Wounds can be healed in a trusting relationship. Last time, I wrote about building trust by recognizing and respecting the different sensibilities of our children. I am building a relationship of trust with my sons by understanding them as individuals. They each have their own way of thinking and feeling, and I am committed to paying attention and protecting them.
When you are able to do that, then you will know how to speak to them. I have found that being soft-spoken, gentle, and firm works best for all my children. (This is actually a good tone to take with everyone!)
If we were perfected in God’s kingdom, we would always get this right. But we’re far from perfect. We’re here on earth, in our flawed and sinful flesh. We’re going to get it wrong a lot.
My biggest frustration is that I get angry when I mess up. I have to be very clear with my sons about this. Otherwise, they take my anger the wrong way. They think it’s directed at them. I have to be proactive and tell them, “Look, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself. I need to get you to understand that some things are wrong and I don’t want you to do them. I also have to keep you from doing things that might get you hurt. I have to protect you and your heart, but I don’t always know how to talk to you so that you will understand. That frustrates me, and I get mad at myself.”
It’s my duty to teach my children. It’s so important to me that they grow into the awesome people and leaders that they already are. Part of this is helping them understand the difference between what to do and what not to do.
The crucial concept here is understanding. My goal is to give them understanding. Teaching my sons how to behave is also about teaching them to trust me. I don’t want fear. I don’t want them to go around scared to do things because they’re afraid of being punished. If all they have is fear, then their behavior doesn’t come from trust. They’re just scared.
When scared children get old enough that they don’t have to fear their parents anymore, then they’re going to get in a lot of trouble. That’s why we need understanding. I have to get through to them in such a way that they will understand what’s right and wrong, and why. I need to be sure that I’ve taught them the difference between what’s safe and what’s dangerous.
But in my flesh, I don’t always know how to speak to my children in a way that is appropriate to the situation. When I don’t know what to do, I sometimes resort to what I heard when I was their age. I don’t always like to see that in myself, so I get mad at myself. That’s when I have to make sure to tell them, “Listen, I’m frustrated with me. I’m trying to protect you, and I don’t know why I can’t get through to you. I know I seem angry right now son, but I’m just reacting to myself. I am not mad at you!”
Honesty like this can have miraculous results. It can start a conversation. He’s not scared anymore, and I can say, “What you’ve been doing is wrong, but let’s sit down and talk about it. Tell me what you’re feeling right now. Why are you doing this?” Since I shared my feelings with him and clarified my anger, he trusts me. So he shares his feelings. That makes everything easier for both of us.
More on this next time. See you Wednesday.