I left off last time by listing the kinds of questions I ask God — and myself — in order to parent my sons the way that God parents me. Sometimes, my sons need to be corrected, but they don’t ever need to be wounded. Reading The Cure & Parents taught me that if I parent out of my immaturities, then I will wound my children. I really don’t want to do that.
Obviously I’m not perfect. No matter how intentionally I set out to parent my children the way God parents me, I’m still in my flesh. I will make mistakes. I will wound them. But wounds can be healed. They don’t have to be transmitted from generation to generation.
Wounds can be healed if I have permission to speak into the lives and hearts of my sons. I have to earn their permission, and that happens by loving them as individuals. I have to take time to fully understand who my kids are, how they tick, and how their hearts work. That way, when they do something wrong, I will know the best way to correct them. I’ll know what works best for each of them.
No child is just like another. Suppose two children steal candy from the store. I don’t think we can deal with them the same way. If it were my kids, I would have to take each of them aside and dialogue with them. My responsibility is to understand how each one thinks. I need to know how their hearts act and react. That way, when I explain why it’s wrong to steal, each one of them will hear me because I’m speaking to him in a way that he, personally, will understand.
Since they are different people, the dialogue will not be the only thing that’s different with each one. They will probably also need a different kind of correction. To one I might say “Okay, this is why it was wrong for you to steal the candy. We’re going to take it back, and you’re going to tell the store owner that you are sorry.” But I may ask the other one to do something else.
Children notice this, especially siblings. And they will say something about it. “But my brother didn’t have to do that!” When that happens, I say, “Yes, because you’re not your brother. Your brother had to make it right too, but he had to do it in a different way.”
We have to learn to see things from each child’s individual perspective. That way we can help them understand things from their hearts. When it comes to correcting their behavior, we can make sure they understand that we are going handle things based on who they are. We can also help them understand why that matters.
Families frequently handle issues the same way for each child without accounting for how each child ticks. They don’t get the knowledge they need to take the right corrective action. So with the best of intentions, they wound their children.
At the same time, parents handle their children the same way that their parents handled them, which is how their parents handled them. We can keep tracing the same threads back, from generation to generation. Before you know it, it’s traumatizing. It’s traumatizing to the children, and it’s traumatizing to families.
How many of us have said, “I’ll never do this when I have kids!” I’ve said it myself. I remembering saying, “I will never do this like my dad did it, “ because I remembered how it made me feel. Then I find myself in the same situation. I’m in a panic and I’m in my flesh. What is my first resort? To do it like my dad did it. To do the one thing that I had vowed I would never do.
So if I don’t have my head about me, and I don’t use the wisdom of God to parent my kids the way God parents me, then all I’m going to do is resort to how I was wounded. It’s a scary thing for me, because parenting is not easy. I know I’m going to mess it up.
But I also believe there’s grace for us, parents and children. Even when you mess up, you can still create so much trust with your children that they will grant you permission to speak into their lives.
Wounds can be healed. I truly believe that!
More on this next time. See you Wednesday.