Home » Family » How To Be A Husband, Part 3

How To Be A Husband, Part 3

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In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reflecting on marriage as contract versus marriage as commitment. I’ve written about how marriage is a serious commitment, a ruggedly serious commitment. You make it, and you’re in for life. It’s a done deal.

I’ve also written that you’re not supposed to live in misery. That is not why God calls you to marriage. But you’re not supposed to give up, either. You’re supposed to change. I think that’s what makes marriages work.

Cases of abuse aside (abuse is a very serious issue and needs to be considered differently), if you tell me you’re miserable in your marriage, that tells me you’re not changing. You’re being stubborn or proud. It’s like you’re saying to your wife, “Hey, I’m not going to change here. So if you won’t change, then we need to separate.” If you’re saying that, you don’t get submission at all.

You should say, “Let’s mold each other. Let’s become one. Let’s figure out what we need to do, and let’s figure it out together.”

Suppose I disagree with my wife. Sometimes she takes a position on something, and I don’t see it the same way. Should I argue with her until she does, or put my foot down and tell her that my view is the one that I expect her to share?

Or should I ask myself how much it matters? In my marriage I’ve learned that the first question to ask is, “Does this really matter?” I ask myself, “Is this really that big of a deal?” If the answer is no, then I say, “Okay. We’ll go with your opinion on this.”

But suppose it is a big deal to me. If that’s the case, then we work together. We say, “This is a big deal to me and it’s a big deal to you, so we have to mold each other right here. How can we reach the point where we see this the same way? Let’s figure this out together.”

There’s give and take. I need to ease up, she needs to ease up, and we need to figure out a way to do it together. If I’m flat out wrong, or she’s flat out wrong, then we have to be able to see that as well. That’s where you go through fire in your marriage. That’s where you’re tested. That’s where the commitment comes in.

My wife and I are committed to each other. We’re not contractually committed, with escape hatches like pre-nups built in. We are committed by a vow. I made a covenant with my wife that says, “This is what we’re here for.”

And we have two children now that are seeds of that covenant. They are gifts from God, here because of a covenant that was made. And that’s why kids are such a joy to have, because they are a fruit of a covenant, not a sin. We did not have our children because we committed sin. We had our children because we made a covenant. And they are beautiful. And it’s a good deal.

Next time I want to tell you about a man’s responsibility to his family. See you Tuesday.

3 thoughts on “How To Be A Husband, Part 3

  1. I really appreciate this post. My husband-to-be was raised in an Evangelical household, and I occasionally have trouble understanding where he’s coming from in his daily actions (and aside from being a huge Giants fan, this is a big reason as to why I follow your blog). This post in particular is significantly more egalitarian in your view of relationship roles than I feel previous posts have been, and I’m glad that your explanations are starting to come together for me so I can better understand your vision (presumably similar to my fiance’s vision) of what a committed relationship should be.

  2. So often you hear people say “I’m getting a divorce because my wife/husband isn’t the same person anymore that they were when I married them, so I want out!” Well duh, of course they aren’t the same! That’s no reason to give up and to break your vow. People learn, grow, and change over time–we all change! It’s part of your vows to stand by the person you marry and to change and grow with them if necessary. Change can be a positive thing, but instead so many people associate it as being negative and automatically resort to divorce. I’m 25 and not nearly the same person I was when I was 20, and I’m not even married! I can’t wait to find my husband one day, and to commit to him and to make that vow of marriage for life! You won’t always see eye to eye and there WILL be challenges and disagreements…but that’s life! You need to compromise and learn to be selfless. Plus I happen to think that all the little hiccups make this life a little more interesting 🙂

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