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How To Be A Husband, Part 1

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Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… (Eph. 5: 22-25)

Do I think that I’m the head of my family? Yes. That’s scripture. As Jesus is the head of the church, so is the man the head of his family, and the head of his home.

But I have someone to answer to. God says, “You answer to me.” When I stand before God, He will say, “I viewed you as the head of your family.”

This is a powerful message for a Christian man. How you treat your wife and how your treat your kids is very, very important. How your marriage is going is on you. When it comes to my marriage, when it comes to my wife, it’s on me. Everything is on me.

People read this scripture and think, “If a man is the head of his wife and family just as Jesus is the head of the church, then in order to know what a man should do, we need to look at what Jesus did.” And what did Jesus do? He died on a cross. So then people say this scripture means that you have to be willing to die for your family.

Well, of course I’d die for my family! But I don’t think that’s what this means. I don’t think that’s the correlation. Here’s the correlation: when Jesus died on the cross, He took our shame. He took our shame, He took our embarrassment, our terrible decisions, all our sin, and He said, “It’s on me.” And so He died.

That’s what husbands take on. When you marry somebody, you say, “I’m taking you, and you’re coming under me. Every decision that you make, right or wrong, will reflect onto me. And I will take the embarrassment if I have to. I will take the shame.”

I don’t think we do that now. I don’t think that men look at marriage that way. I don’t think men fully understand what it means to be a husband, or what it means to be the head of a family, or what it means to be in a marriage.

So many men say, “My wife just doesn’t want to submit. She never listens to me. She never wants to submit to me.” To those men, I say this: “If you want your wife to submit to you, make sure you take on the embarrassment. Make sure you take on the shame whenever the decision is wrong. No matter what, it’s never her fault. Ever. It’s never her fault.”

The wife reflects the marriage, right? She will tell you how the marriage is going. All you have to do is look at her.

So go to your wife and say, “I will bend over backwards for you. I will take your shame and I will take your embarrassment. Any situation that you have, I will step in and I will take it for you.” When you do that, you will see a woman who is very satisfied in the marriage. Now she knows that she doesn’t have to be afraid of her husband. She doesn’t have to worry about what her husband thinks.

Some people say that I have an extreme point of view, but look at Jesus and this is what you’ll see. I’ll tell you about that on Tuesday.

23 thoughts on “How To Be A Husband, Part 1

  1. I hope to find a husband one day with views similar to this…it gives me hope to know that there are men out there with morals and who respect faith and tradition, yet still understand the importance of being respectful.

    Yes, I believe that a man is head of the marriage/family, but at the same time, I don’t think that level of superiority gives man carte blanche to live a life full of demands, intimidation, and disrespect. It’s all about balance and mutual respect.

    I don’t consider myself religious, but I know that I am searching for something to believe in. Reading your blog always feels like home and something always clicks when I read your posts, so thank you for sharing your views with us on here. 🙂

  2. I have trouble with your language “submit”. I believe that it is an equal partnership and there may be crompomise. Not sure that I get you on this one. Most of the strong Christian women I know make more money and run their households with help of their husbands, but truly, the women are making things happen. If the scriptures of Mary Magdelene hadn’t been buried, western religion would praise women more as equals and we would have more women in authority in the household and in the church.

  3. As much as I agree on everything you wrote, obviously because it’s what the Scriptures tells us, I have to add something that I learned personally through my marriage.

    Yes, the husband is the head of the family and he takes everything on himself, but the wife reflects the husband as well. He takes her shame and embarrassement and she takes his.

    The church is loved by Jesus, therefore He died for the church. The Church keeps the name of God, Holy, Eternal, Sacred.
    The wife is loved by her husband, he would do anything , take anything for her. The wife respects her husband, keeps his name, his home, his family sacred, holy and eternal.

    If the husband takes everything on himself for the sake of his family, the wife needs to help him do that. He can’t do it if she’s not there, FULLY there for him and that family.

    Submitting, as a lot of people take as obeying quietly and slaving in the house, is giving yourself, your life, your whole to one another. We submit as women to our husband, and they submite themselves to us.

    I’m proud to find role models for our children, who look up to players such as yourself, while they grow in love with the game of baseball. I admire everything you do on and off the field. God bless!

  4. My 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, and can I say, when a husband treats his wife like you described, the woman feels SUCH security. It’s not about dominance, “being over” the other or anything like a master-slave relationship. It’s about protection and commitment. I am a very strong-willed, opinionated female with more education than my husband…..and yet I can wholeheartedly say marriage is no fun when I try to be the head! It only works when it’s like you described.

  5. Thanks for your thoughtful post. You have a lot to offer this confused world. I speak from being a lifelong Christian and married for 41 years this month to a wonderful husband. Please recognize your wife as a child of God, not somehow your child. She looks to Jesus as a guide for her life as you do. She is responsible for her actions in God’s sight even if you have her back. My married life is based on mutual forgiveness. We both kneel down before the same Lord. I think that St. Paul is addressing a specific situation in the church where husbands were not behaving responsibly and wives reacted in a disfunctional way. Sometimes wives disregard their husbands when family values seem to be lacking. That is a recipe for estrangement rather than connection. St. Paul wants families to be mutually supportive Christian communities.

  6. I really appreciate your stand and view point. It isn’t easy to write about submission because it is such a controversial subject to some people, but you are right the Bible does have a lot to say about submission, not just between husbands and wives but about fellow believers submitting to each other. I do think that marriage is an area that wives need to submit to their husbands, not that she can’t have a voice but that the ultimate and final decision is the husbands to make and the wife to lovingly follow. So thank you for being willing to write about it

  7. Bravo Jeremy – it’s refreshing when a Christian man takes a clear, unambiguous stand for what Jesus clearly wants for us (and for our wives).

    Looking forward to Part Two!

  8. Thanks for taking a stand and listening to what Scripture actually teaches. This is a very controversial topic, and it’s bold of you to take a stand for the word of God. I really appreciate strong Christian men who use their platform God has given them to be an example for others. Keep up the good work, I’m looking forward to reading your next post on Tuesday.

  9. Thanks jeremy, I’m a huge fan of what you do for the giants on the field, but I’m even more encouraged by how you are a biblical testimony of Christ to the team and community! Thanks for the post, definitely a needed challenge to all Christian men in the bay!

  10. Thanks for this post Jeremy. I’ve been convicted of very much the same thing over the past couple of years in our men’s group, and it was discussed at length in a marriage small group earlier this summer. What’s notable about this passage is that there are 9 instructions for the husbands and only 3 for the wives – so Christ clearly has placed greater responsibility on the husband. The fact is…we, as husbands, are instructed to love our wives the way Christ loves the church – and that’s sacrificially…with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. And too many men simply stop at the “wives submit to your husbands” piece and DON’T FOLLOW the rest of the passage. Ephesians 5:22 works when the husbands are following the rest of the instructions in verses 22 to 33.

    Don’t forget, too, the passage that sets this up – Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. It ultimately is a mutual submission that begins with both the husband’s and wife’s love for Christ – and our love for each other MUST start with our love for Christ. If we don’t follow Christ first, then we’ll start having problems…

  11. I think you are a good guy, Mr Affeldt, and I love Jesus Christ. Please read the following as a honest and humble critcism.

    I think that Christians, along with the other other Abrahamic religions are dead wrong in making a fetish out of the relationship to God. This submission thing is just creepy and goofy, and it poisons and fetishizes our relationships.

    I do not criticize your stance because I think it is extreme. How could it be extreme? Dominance/Submission to the will of God has been the mainstream of religious thought and has been the template of the marriage relationship for at least the last two thousand years. It is dishonest to present such a mainstream point of view as extreme.

    And it is a creepy fetish. And it harms people in their relationship to God and each other. You want extreme? Try encouraging people to cut it out. That would be extreme, and take real courage.

  12. Great post, Jeremy I appreciate you sharing this and I’m sure your next post will be as instructive! In our culture the word submission has been so misunderstood, even in the church.
    Both husbands and wives share the responsibility before the Lord to be obedient to the Word if they want the Lord to be honored and their marriage to be blessed with favor. But ultimately the greater responsibility does lie with the man.
    “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” (1 Peter 3:1-2)
    And then it goes on to say and I love this next part:
    “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” (verse 7) I know that it can be difficult to “dwell with us WITH UNDERSTANDING” but God bless you godly husbands for not giving up 😉 and I don’t take this verse lightly, I want my prayers answered and my marriage to be blessed of the Lord. That whole chapter in 1 Peter is a great study for husbands and wives to do together. I appreciate and love that my husband has been a wonderful role model for our son and daughters. Keep sharing the Word!
    God bless.

  13. I tip my hat off to you, Jeremy! We believe in the same doctrine. I know many women who do not like the idea of “submitting” to their husbands but it’s in the Word of God. But the most important of it all, is we submit to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for He has authority over anyone/everyone.

  14. Great post! I also agree with this belief and have found it disheartening that the majority don’t practice this. Thank you for talking about the controversial issues and putting yourself out there. God is using you in an amazing way and it’s nice knowing there are people out there who still believe this way. Keep it up!

    God bless =]

  15. I am only 18 years old and have obviously never been married, but I have been very moved by your blog. In particular, the description of the correlation between the ancient Bible teachings and our modern day lives is enlightening. I always struggle trying to find the true meanings behind the words of the Bible and their applications through time. The idea that a man is dominant over a woman in marriage always seemed like one of the more outdated and to-be-ignored parts of the Bible, but I never even considered applying the concept the way you did. When I think about it now, I see how instead of the man dominating and oppressing a woman, it borders on the concept of chivalry, though without the whole “knight in shining armor” aspect, because it is clearly so much more than that. It is the ultimate sacrifice. Even if not literal death, the husband’s duty is to, essentially, die for his wife. Whether that means physically or not, he should be there to catch her when she falls, support her when she’s weak, stand beside her when she fights, and feel her pain so that she does not bear all of the weight. It is, in my opinion (which I guess probably shouldn’t count for much considering I have no experience) a beautiful description of the TRUE meaning of marriage. Thank you.

  16. Thanks for sharing. I’m not married, but that is one of my favorite passages because of the description it gives of Christ. It is captivating the way he loves the Church and has demonstrated it to us.

    I definitely want a marriage modeled after that. Why else do we get married? It’s a partnership full of love (hopefully), but addtionally I believe God pairs people very strategically for something much greater than ourselves: for the Kingdom.

    When men (and women) take the views you have expressed (which I also believe are biblical), wonderful things happen: Inside the marriage and beyond it. I’ll be looking for Tuesday.

    Does your wife have a public blog? If she did I would enjoy reading it.

    Thanks again for always sharing.

  17. I truly appreciate your thoughts what the Scripture says and what it means to you . I assume you have subjects for future posts, but I would really like to see what you have to say about James 1:26. After watching “The Franchise” on YouTube (because I refuse to subscribe to Showtime due to the programming, subject matter, and language allowed), I wonder how difficult it is to work with the language that is used by some of teammates without falling into the trap of using it yourself. I try to emphasize in my own life the importance of my Christianity being a 24/7/365 endeavor, a lifestyle that honors God wherever and whenever – not just when it’s convenient. When I was baptized, I put on Christ so that means I “wear it” – not when I feel like it but all the time. And when I fail – and I do – I know that God will forgive me because He knows my heart. Thanks and God bless you!

  18. Though a first time contributor, I am a regular reader of your blog because I find your conviction to do good in this world and to help those in need inspiring. This post was very difficult for me to read. As a woman, I felt slightly belittled and disrespected as you assumed that I need a man to relieve me of my shame, embarrassment, and mistakes. Though you intend to instill a sense of security in a woman with the statement that “No matter what, it’s never her fault. Ever. It’s never her fault.” I simply felt defensive. Do you think I can’t fix my own messes without you? Of course I make mistakes, and things go wrong, and sometimes it is my fault in which case I take full responsibility. Please understand that I am an adult. A strong, responsible, independent woman, and I can take care of myself.

    The relationship you describe seems to me not unlike my relationship with my father as a young girl, it is not that of two equals. I don’t think I could ever enter, and surely not last in, a relationship where I was not thought of as an equal. To me, it is impossible to overlook the fact that someone who believes that he must be the head of the family, simply because he is a man, also believes in his own superiority, and this is a personality flaw with which i could not coexist. I personally believe that love comes with respect, and I could never love someone who sought for me to submit to him because it demonstrates a lack of confidence and trust in my competence. I am a person of my own, I am intelligent, I an self-sufficient, and I don’t want to be considered anything less.

    Please that I am not questioning the happiness and love in your described marriage. Everybody is unique, and different things satisfy different individuals, but I beg you not to preach this message to young people. There are aspects of it which are important, but the overarching message that came across to me was that men lead and control women. For centuries women have been convinced that they are inferior, and are taught to submit to men. The little girls of the world need to be taught that they can do whatever they want. If they are taught to submit to men, females will never penetrate the male-dominated workplace and take their deserved place as equally intelligent and respected professionals. History, men, and media already convince girls that they are inferior to men, please don’t convince them that God feels the same. Women don’t need to believe in a prince charming to take care of them, they need to believe in themselves.

  19. In today’s society” Submission” is such a dirty word as is “meekness”. But Scripture shows that our definition of these words are completely different from the way Jesus exemplified these words and told us to embody them. I think those who bristle at the word submission is reacting to our current view of the word instead of submission in the biblical sense. (Hey if I was a woman and the biblical submission is what we believe it to mean today I’d be pretty upset as well)

    Without dragging on too long, my belief is that submission biblically for a wife starts with the husband. Without the husband taking responsibilty for the marriage there cannot be submission by the wife. This covers things like being good stewards of finances, being loving to the wife and obviously not being abusive physically or emotionally to the family. I think today’s perception of submission of the wife is offensive because the first part is missed/overlooked.

    Anyway that’s my two cents… Great post Jeremy! GO GIANTS!

  20. Ephesians 5:17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.[c]

    This chapter (chapter 5) starts out stating we should be imitators of Christ. Verse 21 starts out with the body of Christ submitting to one another first. A good way to read verse 22 would start out with: For example, wives submit to your husbands. He is reveling an example through marriage partner ship of how verse one is to be carried out. We are to both be imitators of Christ. He then uses marriage relationship to paint a portrait of how to be imitators of Christ.

    Both man and women are to take on the example of Christ. They are both responsible to lay their life down for the other. Read I Corinthians chapter 13. It is the character of God described and his very attitude toward you. We have that same love in us and we must male and female display it to our mates and marriage environment.

    Jeremy, the husband is the head of the house, but many marriages are in conflict today. The couples are not submitted to the Lord first nor do they want to be conformed into his image.. If either husband or wife is not submitted to the Lord first, and his defined roles of husband and wife, then both husband or wife can do things perfectly and it will not work.

    We have to much world in us today. The demonic cry of many American house wives is, If momma ain’t happy then no one is happy. I have watched this rebellion destroy Godly men and marriages. I also have watched men with a heavy hand rule their home and destroy it in the name of submission. I am the man he cries and terrorizes the whole home. These are self centered attitudes.

    Each of us have to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. Wives are to submit to their husbands, Husbands are to treat the wife as Christ treated the church. However, male and female BOTH have to walk in the love of God and yield to Gods way of doing things. Marriage is not about who is right or wrong. Its about letting the life of Christ flow through you and your home. Couples both have to decide how to run the household and raise kids, and agree. Husbands need to take insight from the wife and wives are to take insight from the man. As the man, the final authority rest with him. However, a trust must be developed between the two so this can take place. At no time is the husband or wife responsible for the others attitude. We each must walk in self control. A husband can not make a wife happy nor can a wife make a husband happy. Happiness and joy come from within no matter what the circumstances. Now circumstances can affect both parties but for a wife to say, I will submit to my husband if he did this, this and this, or if a husband says, I will love my wife if she does, this, this and this is totally wrong. You are making the other person responsible for your happiness.

    . Many people bring the baggage of broken homes, abuse, sexual abuse, no mom or dad around and a myriad of other issue into marriages today. It takes a man and a women submitting to Gods ways to make a marriage work. I have watched both wives and husbands destroy their marriages making the other person responsible for their actions, reactions and state of their marriage. God tells us to do these things regardless if the other is doing them. The key is, what would love do? How would love treat the spouse, the child, the neighbor and the list goes on and on.

    God bless you Jeremy,

    Love your posts!

    Kevin

  21. He is the Lamb of God which takes away the sins if the world. When we eff up or do anything wrong, we should always pray to our Father through the Lamb…who is perfect, and who was sacrificed for our sake. We cannot go ourselves into the presence of God, but Jesus can, and our own sins are taken away each and every time because the only sacrifice worthy to God is put before Him for our sake…the dead Lamb who’s Sacrifice was perfect. This is the mystery of our Faith
    Blessed is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world!

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