Home » Family » Let’s Talk Pre-Nup, Part 2

Let’s Talk Pre-Nup, Part 2

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Thanks for all the great comments on last Friday’s post. I commented, too, and the link is here if you want to read it. In criticizing pre-nups, I was not insisting that people stay in abusive marriages. I understand that the unforeseen can arise in a marriage. There might be appropriate times to separate or even divorce. For me, abuse is a different story.

I think that it’s a huge decision to make a vow before God. And if there’s a pre-nup involved, then there’s an automatic excuse to get out of it. You’re just saying you’ll give it a try and see how things go, but if it gets too hard, you can leave. And that’s not how you make a lifelong commitment.

You’re not going to be happy all the time. You’re not going to agree on everything. If my wife agreed with me on everything, I would never grow as a human being. I would never change or get better. My wife is my helpmate. She’s my soul mate. I asked her to help me through life. When I married her I said to her, “I need your help here. I need your companionship. I need someone that can help guide me and be able to tell me when I’m wrong.”

And when she does tell me I’m wrong, I need to be able to say, “You know what? You’re right. Thank you for showing me that.” There are always going to be things that I need to see and can’t see. She helps me with that. I help her. We push each other.

When we got married, the church I rented for the wedding wanted to know if we had been through marriage counseling, and I said yes. We went through six months of counseling, and our counselor and his wife took us through everything in life. We talked about things like finances and how we were going to raise our kids, and how we thought about all kinds of things. It put us through the wringer. Did we disagree? Absolutely we did! And we had to work those things out.

I’ve seen marriages where a man says to his wife, “You’re supposed to submit to me. I’m the head of this family, so you do what I say.” Men like that kill the voice of women in marriage, and that is absolutely wrong. But it happens. Then the wife lives her whole life thinking, “I guess I just have to agree with my husband on everything.” Those couples don’t seem to really talk. You don’t see anything good come out of that.

Do I think I’m the head of my family? Yes. That’s what scripture says. But what that means to me might really surprise you. See you Friday.

6 thoughts on “Let’s Talk Pre-Nup, Part 2

  1. I think so many marriages fail today because many people in their 20s and 30s didn’t grow up in a married household. How can you be successfully married if your parents weren’t married? I don’t know that it’s possible. I was married very briefly to someone who thought it was his job to tell me what to do every second of the day and became abusive. Luckily I was able to get out of that situation, learn from it, and make a commitment to myself to choose better mates. I was smart enough to meet and marry a man who respects and values not only me, but my thoughts, opinions, dreams and values…and I respect and value his – even when we don’t agree. This is the key to marriage. If you have this…everything else is easy. Thanks for talking about this.
    P.S. Given all the pain involved with my divorce, I offered to sign a pre-nup when I re-married, but my husband said it wasn’t necessary. However…I do think there is some value in placing the terms of a potential separation down in writing before you get married. That way both people see what the other really thinks of the other and they can make a more informed decision about whether they want to marry. You can include clauses like mandatory marriage counseling before separation, etc. Most importantly though, if something horrible happens and someone loses their mind or starts up a drug habit, becomes abusive, etc., the terms of the separation were already spelled-out during a time when everyone was in love and you can pick-up and move on instead of trying to hurt each other in a divorce. This is especially important when kids are involved. If a pre-nup is done for the right reasons and includes not just financial matters, but also conduct and commitment expectations, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

  2. I am a huge Giants fan but more so I am a devoted Christian and am really enjoying all of your blogs and insight on Christianity and marriage! :) Thank you for being so transparent about your faith in Christ!

  3. I admire your beliefs and your faith in life and love!
    I’ve been married for a long while now, I come from a middle eastern background, and my upbringing, and the way marriage and divorce are conceived back home are totally different from the way they’re conceived in the western world.
    Divorced couples are looked down upon, for they are a disgrace to God’s blessings, they didn’t keep the honor of that vow they took, they didn’t try hard enough. Just like a priest is disappointing when he breaks his vows and leaves his priesthood. It’s a SHAME!
    In the western communities, it’s a daily thing, that people use as an excuse or an escape to get out of a “mess”.
    We encourage our children daily to do their best, how can we be role models to them when WE can’t do our best?

    A pre-nup , to myself and my husband is a JOKE! that’s one of the reasons why we got married in the middle east, and not in here, and we translated and validated our Church papers instead of marrying in court through civil marriage!

    We make a promise before GOD, HE blesses, He approves. It’s meant to be. NO ONE, not ever, is allowed to break that promise!

    GOD Bless, can’t wait to read more of your thoughts.

  4. I think it would be hard to get married when you have a lot of money. You can’t trust easily. You can find a women or a man and might think I really love this person but in reality they love you just for your money. Even though you’ve gone through everything like marriage counseling and being in that relationship for a very long time and finally trusting that person. They can just get up and leave you with almost all your money. I’m not agreeing with pre-nups, I think you should be 100% yes to who your going to marry. It just seems like people with a lot of money have trouble with that.

  5. I’ve been struck and impressed by the fact that many MLB players seem to marry a bit earlier than the average age. Perhaps thats because they have the financial resources and because marriage and family could be a tremendous stabilizing influence in the life of a professional athlete. The age at first marriage in the US has been steadily creeping up for decades and the percentage of folks marrying at all is dropping….sad if you ask me. What seems to be on the increase is young, family-oriented women who can’t find a man who is on the same page with them regarding the desire for marriage and children. Things are heading in the wrong direction if you ask me. The concept of marital committment is eroding. My husband and I are coming up on 30 years of marriage and my parents were married for 61 years. I’m just disillusioned that this kind of commitment may be harder for my 23 year old daughter to find when she’s ready for it.

  6. Thank you for your follow up on your first post. I really enjoy hearing what you have to say about this topic; I am looking forward to reading more. I agree with you on the whole pre-nup thing. I’ve always felt this way. When a couple marries, it’s a shared commitment taken before God, family, and friends. I wouldn’t want to go into a new life with my soul mate thinking “One day, he’s going to leave me because he’s already signed this piece of paper saying so.” To me, preparing for the end when the beginning hasn’t even begun is a glaring red flag.

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