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Let’s Talk Pre-Nup

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Let’s sign a contract with our marriage. Let’s get a pre-nup.

I hear that a lot in my game. The attitude is, “Hey, if you get married, be sure you get that pre-nup so she can’t take all your money.”

And I laugh at that. I laugh at the idea of pre-nups. And people ask me, “Why would you laugh? It’s for my protection!”

You’re telling me that you’re going to stand up in a church and put a ring on someone’s finger after signing a pre-nup. You’re going to have a pastor or a priest do the wedding for you, or however you want to do it, and you’re going to stand there before God and make this commitment.

And at the same time you want to say, “If it doesn’t work, she can’t have anything. Or he can’t have anything. If it doesn’t work, I have to protect myself.”

If there’s a pre-nup involved, then there’s an automatic excuse to get out of your marriage. In other words, it’s not a marriage. It’s just a contract. All you’ve said is, “I’ll sign this contract to be married to you and you’ll be married to me, but the contract can be broken if we want to break it. And we’ll be free.”

So your yes is not yes. And your no is not no.

You’re saying, “My yes is yes only if I like you enough to continue. And my yes is yes only if you agree with everything that I agree with. My yes is yes only if I think things go smoothly.”

But they won’t! There is no way you can bring two human beings together, people with thoughts, emotions, and passions, and think that everything is going to be hunky dory the entire time you’re married. It can’t happen! There’s no way you’ll grow!

For me, a marriage is a commitment that cannot be broken. Sometimes people ask me, “Well, what if you can’t do it? Are you just supposed to live in misery?” No, I don’t think you’re supposed to live in misery. I think you’re supposed to change!

When you find somebody that you’re going to be committed to, and I’m talking ruggedly committed to, then that’s it. You’re committed for life. It’s done. It’s a signed deal.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to share some of what my commitment to my wife and children means to me. You might be surprised, and you might even feel like arguing. That’ll be good! See you Tuesday.

22 thoughts on “Let’s Talk Pre-Nup

  1. AMEN Jeremy! Your posts are full of light, beauty and truth. Thank you for that. My husband and I will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary tomorrow, and we are still committed for life!

    God’s blessings to you and your family…

    ~Kim

    Best to you and all the G-men in Cinnci!

  2. Jeremy, thank you for your enlightening posts.

    My husband I have been married two and a half years. We definitely did a lot of growing and changing in the three years before we got married. We still continue to self improve and nurture our relationship. I know that even though we didn’t marry in the church I believe our faiths in God and each other strengthens our bond.

    He told me of our friends who had been married for six years are getting a divorce now because they didn’t grow together. 😦

    Even if you don’t grow your character and integrity for another person, you ought to do it for yourself and the Lord. He put us here for a purpose and we should live to fulfill it even when it is tough.

  3. I agree with you-it almost ‘cheapens’ the whole idea of marriage. Not to mention, at the end of the day, you’ve got someone who truly cares about you no matter where you are in the grand scheme of life.

  4. I’ve never had a problem with pre-nups, but this argument completely makes sense to me. If you’re involving a pre-nup for protection against your marriage’s potential failure, you can’t have that much faith in its viability or the person your marrying in the first place.

  5. That is what I always say as well. Maybe that is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, because they see it more as a contract than a commitment.

    Nicely said, Jeremy.

  6. Hi Jeremy,

    What a great topic! I have been enjoying your blog for a long time. After more than 15 years of marriage, I can’t imagine much that my husband and I couldn’t work through. Marriage is not always a fun party but it is so wonderful to know that there is one person on earth that actually signed up to be my life partner who will always stand by my side. Even on my bad days, he’s there full of encouragement.

    Looking forward to reading your upcoming posts.

    God Bless you and your family.

  7. I totally agree with you view on pre-nups. But sometimes you have to leave a marriage to survive. Emotional abuse in a marriage can destroy children you have to know when it is time to leave. Too often the abuser ia not willing to change… You are the problem not them so you leave for your children to survive

  8. Great thoughts! I especially love the comment, “no, I don’t think you’re supposed to live in misery. I think you’re supposed to change!” my wife and I have been married for only 2 years and it’s been beautifully challenging!

    Go Giants!

  9. Looking forward to you sharing about committment for life. I’m sure there will be a lot of comments! I like your wording “ruggedley committed to” and my sweet hubby and I have been married a rugged 35 years this August (as a matter of fact we are attending a game during our anniversary week – that seems to be a new tradition we’ve started!).
    One thing I’ve noticed at work (we do a lot of printing for invites, flyers and such) is that we have a lot of couples designing their wedding invitations, save the dates etc. and all their attention to details!! I’ve been so tempted to say to them that I hope they will give as much attention to each other and to working out their problems as they do with the wedding preparations!
    Looking forward to your next post!
    BTW, I’m happily married to my very best friend and the key ingredient has been the Lord Jesus Christ – He save us and our marriage years ago and it’s been an amazing journey together ever since!

    What an exciting game tonight, unfortunately we lost, but goodness 13 innings!! Trusting you will bounce back and take the next two! Go Giants!

  10. I absolutely LOVE this post. Today, marriage is such a casual commitment people often forget the true meaning- ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART.

    Your comment about having to change in a relationship, especially a marriage with children, is spot on.

    I can’t wait to hear the things you do with and for your wife and kids.

  11. I agree with you, Jeremy. It’s tacky and awkward. At the same time, in your profession, some of the guys do tend to gravitate towards women who are out for that $$$. Men are often naive to the ways of women, or just want arm candy. A lot of people get married for the wrong reasons (“it’s time”/”I’m getting older”) so it’s not surprising they want to make it more of a business arrangement. If love is genuine, then there is obviously no need for it…however unfortunately, that is not always the case.

  12. Jeremy, you just provided an excellent description of a gay contract, which clearly explains why the gay community is asking for gay marriage. Someday if I am “allowed” to get married, I promise I won’t ask for a pre-nup!

    • I don’t think I agree with that. I think a lot of gay people getting married now have been living in committed relationships for a long time and have their own bank accounts and insurance and whatnot. That means they also probably have financial advisors and attorneys who are insisting on the pre-nuptial agreements. Certainly a great number of professional athletes have pre-nups (I’m sure, Jeremy, you can attest to that).

      My husband and I just celebrated our 41st anniversary, and pre-nuptial agreements back in 1970 were only for the extremely wealthy!

  13. Amen to that!! I was in a spot where I was told by my family to sign a pre-nup. I remember thinking are you kidding me. How can I start my marriage my soon to be husband with a “if this doesn’t work…..” IF YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY, DO IT WITH THE IDEA YOUR ARE GOING TO MAKE IT WORK. Marriage is hard at times but it is like all things we do, be it our job, sports, college or whatever, we don’t just quite those when things get tough. 22 years later and we are still going strong. I am so thankful that I didn’t give into the pressure of my family to make my husband sign that dumb thing.

  14. I agree that the commitment of marriage should be taken more seriously by people but I disagree with the point that if you’re miserable in a marriage, you should change. I think someone else commented on abusive relationships…no one should change to stay in that. And no one should have to wait around for the abuser to change because in most cases, they never will.

    • laughterinbetween

      Great point. Since you say “in most cases” you must have some expertise in this area. I personally don’t know the statistics on it right off hand; however I do agree with you. You must remember I have several parts to this blog coming. I can’t write a whole book on this subject! A prenup is signed before the marriage. I am discussing whether you should marry someone you aren’t 100% committed to. I understand that the unforeseen pops up in marriage. There might be a need to terminate, or separate till trust can be reestablished. And maybe it can’t, and moving on is a good idea. I think prenups are a kind of “I am not sure but let’s try it” scenario. The point of marriage is supposed to be a life commitment, not a maybe commitment. Again the post is on prenups and doesn’t discuss the reasons for divorcing, or not.

      • You’re completely right and I agree 100%. I just had a knee-jerk reaction to the not divorcing thing because…well. Escape is an unfortunate necessity sometimes and I see too many people push that to the back burner in favor of some psuedo-idyllic obligation to God and family (mostly men, unfortunately).

        Thanks for clearing that up 🙂

      • i don’t believe in divorce.

        with that being said…i was in a very abusive marriage where if i had stayed, i would not be here to share this with you. i left because i knew it was either living or dying.. literally.

        i still don’t believe in divorce.

        i just know now that if a man raises his hand to me, i will never ever stick around long enough to see what will happen next.

  15. i agree. we live in a heat and eat society and so many relationships turn out to be thrown away because one person decides they don’t like something about the other person or the relationship isn’t fitting their expectations. and so many marriages end in divorce because of this as well. i’m currently in a relationship where so many people have told me i deserve better because of things he’s done in the past (the past…something neither one of us or anyone else, for that matter, can change) that had nothing to do with me or our relationship. i deserve better….?? a friend of mine told me that people who say that actually mean i deserve easier. easier isn’t what i want. that’s just boring. i want fun, adventure, laughter, and sometimes with that comes the bad stuff that we as a couple work through.

    what’s great is we’re both working on ourselves – we have our own issues and stories we’re working on to better ourselves as individuals as well as for the sake of our relationship – for the sake of “us” as a couple.

    if more people believed on working on their relationship and on themselves, so many more relationships would work out. unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn’t rather discard a relationship because of an issue or whatever they just don’t want to tackle and learn and grow from.

    • i meant: “unfortunately, a lot of people would rather discard a relationship because of an issue or whatever they just don’t want to tackle and learn and grow from.” not “unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn’t rather discard a relationship because of an issue or whatever they just don’t want to tackle and learn and grow from.”

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